surrounded.

surrounded by souls,
beautifully made
to be laughed with to be hugged and amazed

no time no distance could break what we have
a lifetime of growing
hand in hand

we've seen each others best
and seen the worst
we've laughed, mocked, cried, bullied and loved

our hearts our content with these friends
forevermore
our lives making memories for the keeping

- I had a very good night, week, month, year with some amazing, beautiful, funny friends and wouldn't change it for anything :) here is to next year, eyes wide open, hearts dreaming, friends side by side.

Work.

I woke up and nearly jumped (fell) out of bed because I was so scared that I had overslept and missed my 4am work shift, only to find out that it was 12.38am. Stink. All that scaring an waking up for no reason.
These shifts really suck, and I'm hoping and waiting that its just for another week yet and then the lovely girl who left me with them will hurry up and return.
Work is work, and I prefer this to no work so I am grateful. But this is really testing my limits as I'm the most unmorning person you will ever find, I don't do waking up early no matter how much you tell me 'its so nice waking up early, having the whole world to yourself to think, to just have some God time' I can do that late late at night when everyones gone to bed aswell, can't I?

Anyways, ungrateful taxi drivers and men thinking I'm spanish await me. Goodbye for now.
Kthnxbai.

India.

Your sneaking back underneath my skin
every heartbeat becoming yours once again

every thought that escapes, painted in your colours
every word that slips from my tongue,  overwhelming my soul

I miss the smell of your air that I breathed in with each breath, with each deep clean breath that I took it was covered with you
Your chaotic streets the only place I felt peace, amongst the people of an unseen world
Streets painted in every colour we begin to imagine,

my heart left without my permission, without even thinking it became apart of you, you became apart of me
beauty and poverty went hand in hand, the rich and the poor lived side by side

from the day my feet touched your soil I started to dream
dreaming to be so overwhelmingly obsessed with you that I won't have to think
anymore
I will just do.

India, thank you for loving me and never letting go. You are forevermore apart of my life
I dream about you without even knowing.

Falling apart.

Today, on the front cover of the newspaper was a half a page sized picture of my  13 year old cousin, who had just got beaten up by four 13-14year old girls at her school, while she was waiting for a bus.

simply, because they heard a rumour that she (cousin) was going to give one of their cousins a hiding, a rumour which she said was untrue.

Then, what I presume every parent would do/think/imagine of doing, her mother ran after one the girls and gave her a bit of a slap around until the police came to separate the two and she had to go to court. The girls didn't get expelled. What is going on.

I don't understand for 1 how you can beat someone else up based on a rumour, grow up. 2, why does her mum get all the punishment for trying to protect her daughter, that's total bullkaka. 3, they didn't punish the girls, they let them off school for the rest of the year, that's a reward in any students eyes.

If they don't get any consequences then they're never going to learn right from wrong and they are always going to think they can hurt other people. They aren't going to get very far in life.

Jesus tried to help us, protect us from our sin, and we killed him. Look at where we are now.

I hate this. Summer is a beautiful young girl and and doesn't deserve to be treated like that, no one does. In my mind anyone that treats other people like crap, beats them up for their own use..doesn't deserve anything and especially not God.

Stupid.
Our world is falling apart right in front of us and the people in charge are doing nothing.

awake.

It's 3.16am. I'm awake. Ready for work. 

It's cold outside, I'm not looking forward to walking in it, even for 10 seconds.

I went to bed at 11pm, bad idea.

I have a party tonight. 

Won't finish till 11pmish.

Staying up last night seems like an even worse idea now.

I still have to buy half a gift.

I'm going out all day Sunday.

Oh gosh. I'm so tired.

But so awake.

Let's go bake 200breads shall we.

On my mind.

So lately my mind has been drifting, quite alot. Sometimes I just think far far away and forget to pay attention to this world.
I wouldn't say its been off to a nice place, but rather a place that needs attention and to be spoken about, not just to just become thoughts put away in jars only to be seen and never opened.

I've been hearing or reading articles about poverty and it really really hits me hard. Also about child labour, sex trafficking, and along the lines of all that kinda of stuff.
It tears me apart to even begin to think how one person can do that to another, an equal other.  I just recently started giving a monthly donation to a NZ organisation, which focus is mainly on helping children - because that's where my heart is, but also the wider community in poor villages.
I don't want to sound like 'you should help people who don't have much, you have a job you can afford to help' because quite frankly if I was to say such things to anyone I would be pointing in the mirror.

It would be like going to a country where littering and rubbish on the roads is an issue and NOT dropping your rubbish because you want to make the difference and be the change. When I think that it would be of more use to go to the person dropping the rubbish and see them change? If that makes any sense at all.

I don't simply want to support organisations that help get people out of this injust behaviour, but to go to the beginning, the source and change them. We would see more of a change then I think, in my opinion.

I see so many beautiful childrens faces when my mind wanders and it pains me to think that the next day they're gone..for good, without even a chance to hear about God, love and hope.

I wrote a song.

Here we are
here we stand
motionless
heads in our hands.

As water falls
and the stars align
as these waves hit
our shore line

there are people crying
they are shouting out
waiting for someone to say
"your prayer is heard"

Have you not seen
Have you not heard
This world that we live in
Is meant to be free

Can you not see their tears
Can't you feel their pain
As they slip from this earth
Into unknown pain.

They walk alone
don't know where they're going
their very souls
snatched away

They sit in darkness
don't know what to do
they don't even know
they can talk to you

And I'm sure we were
made for more
to love the lost,
the hungry and the poor

Everyone deserves to be
told, they're beautiful
to be wrapped in this
love forevermore

Have you not seen
Have you not heard
That this God we serve
Is beautiful

Can you not see their tears
Can't you feel their pain

As they slip from this earth
Into unknown pain.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150546099914829&ref=notif&notif_t=like

A letter to my country.

New Zealand,
I hold you so very close to my heart. You look after me, you make me laugh, I have such proudness in being apart of you.
We are unique people, our culture, our words, our sense of style. We are simple yet complex and loud but cautious.
We have a strong will to do things on our own, we like helping others, we like to have fun.
Your beautiful country is so amazing, your scenery, skies, beaches and much more.
We live in the city, and we live in the country. Next to each other, two very different places join as one.
We have a humour that baffles alot of people, some find it hilarious, some will never understand.

I'm apart of you, and you apart of me.
Let's hold hands forever, and never forget these days.
Years to come, you will still be with me. Never let me go.
Aotearoa I will love you forever.

You.

Into her thoughts you sneak
Shattering dreams, destroying them all
The words she speaks no longer hers
As you slip this knife under her tounge,
her heart will stop, her willling or yours?


Bleeding for you, you make her believe this will do.
The tears that fall from her eyes , are the only things that she holds at night.


No more hope, she's forgotten how to fight.
You stole her shield and struck her, no mercy for her vunerability.
Whispers of death, hurting herself for the need to be free
Aching insides, chained to bad dreams coming at her with everything you have.


Your hurting her with herself, her heart tearing apart, surely no more tears can fill her eyes.
As she looks at herself in the mirror of lies.
She needs a touch. Hope.


She can't hear her friends. She can't even see.
They hurt her, with unspoken words, but with your twisted ideas.


I think its time to leave her alone.


I'm done hurting.

freedom.

whispers slowly filling this silence,
this old religion sneaking underneath everything
we thought to have thrown away.

this line of freedom, where does it begin?
and where does it stop.

To start anew, you must get rid of anything holding you back,
or eventually you will fall down with it,
grasping every part of you,
as if it owns you.

heartsbeat, millions, everywhere.
when will we begin to speak to them,
about what we HAVE what we KNOW to be true,
when will this time come, to take our freedom
to the very people who are held back in chains

who are kept away
away from the world
away from love
away from hope.

when do they get a chance to speak? to hear, to soak in everything we seem to have.

when do we give them that chance.

there is no hope in a path that leads to the light,
but leaves the loved behind,
without a glance backwards,
without question of why they stopped walking.

you may reach your destination, but you will surely be alone.

it wouldn't take you long to , turn around
and help them up.

don't walk past the blind and say 'SEE' when maybe, just maybe
they have a story to be heard.
don't dance past the deaf and say 'HEAR' when maybe, just maybe
they have a picture to be seen.

listen to the blind
watch the deaf

we have freedom.
let's not sit around and let precious faces, souls and the beautiful people

dissapear

life

So I haven't written here in a while about what has been happening lately.

I went back to PukaPuka preschool where I did my 2weeks practicum, because I forgot to get something sign (flip). So I went back there and all the cute faces were eating their morning tea. Stanley gave me a smile and a small wave - I miss that little man. Trina waved lots and lots - I miss her pretty face. Cutting to the point, I miss them alot, its crazy how attached you can become to such small people in such a small amount of time. I was literally holding back the tears. 

So I have finished the Early Childhood part of my course and am now starting onto the OSCAR - out of school care part of my course. So I am in an after school programme which is in Onehunga and for 5-11 year olds. Not exactly what I was thinking I would be doing but to finish the course I have to finish this part aswell.
Was my second day today and I got a hug from a little boy - when I say little he was about 8 years old I would say - anyways, he asked my name a few times, then I got a hug, and hand hold and then an 'I love you' he made me smile, he made my day.
 I think it has been good going here aswell it has made me see that I do infact want to work with under 5year olds, mainly 3&4years olds :) But also that I could work in an after school programme aswell and not totally hate it.

In both centres I have been to and am currently in, both my supervisors and the teachers have been islander ladies, they are the most loveliest people I know, and I'm glad that I've been in 'south' auckland areas aswell because quite frankly I wouldn't want to work in a centre anywhere else.

So that is all that has been happening lately - and the world cup of course, my excitement is crazy, like seriously its amazing, you should all feel it, its like 10million butterflies and smiles and just everything all at once. I like rugby and the fact that its the world cup, and its in New Zealand. I mean seriously. Its flippin amazing. You should all be here.

I'm missing Vanuatu. Especially the children, I see photos, read my diary, read other peoples comments/pictures/stories about it and pretty much just tear up. I think after going there and especially helping out in the preschools over there made me fall in love with the country more. Oh flip I think I just like the island way of life.

Oh and its 9months till i'm 18years old! I am NEVER this excited for getting older or even counting 9months earlier to my birthday! But seriously, 18 I cannot wait AT ALL.

I got asked if I was Fijian, Indian and German in one week.

This is all.

hmm.

i like rugby.

It doesn't get any better than this.

Flip. If this doesn't give you goosebumps than what can. I've watched this over and over and it make me so proud for my country and for our culture. It's SO flippin awesome to see all these guys doing the haka! Kiwis are just awesome.
So excited for the world cup. Bring it on ;)

RWC madness.

I sit here coughing, sniffing and sounding like a husky man cause of my cold. I went to work, and served people sounding like a man, how shaming. Ohwell.

While I was working I could hear the haka from the arrivals downstairs in the International Airport, our beautiful kiwi-selves were welcoming in rugby teams from different countries, how cool. It was so loud it could be heard all of upstairs of the Airport.

I love New Zealand, our culture, our haka, our rubgy team. Pretty awesome stuff.

I'm a huge All Black fan. Ever since I can remember whenever their was an All blacks game on us as a family would all sit around the TV and eat snacks and cheer our country on, its a kiwi thing, but a Coop thing also. It's what we do.
So I can not actually remember being this excited about something ever! Its amazing. Going to cheer my country on and stand with them if they lose (pfft like they'll lose).

I mainly only used to watch rugby to see Dan Carter's amazing face, but now I actually enjoy the game and take great pride in winning.

Rugby World Cup 2011! It is going to be so so sosososoososo great.

and just think, I'll be able to served all the teams flying out when they go through departures ;) sigh.

voices.

If we speak amongst crowds,
our voice will be
drowned by shouts of others
we will be one of them who
lose their voice speaking when everyone does
if we speak in silence
we may be hushed
pushed down
mocked
spirit destroyed


if what we have to say is more important than life itself
let it be heard
what we are trying to say is unheard, being spoken over by others
will those who need to hear, hear?
or will they be trying to hard to shout over our voices.

freedom

religion entangles all of us
suffocating
everything we believed in

surrender of all happiness
destroying all love
unknown to ourselves
it hides deception and lies

laws and unjust rules
we will no longer stand as the silent ones
freedom calls us home

Friends.

Stanley greeted me with a hug and a smile and giant shout 'ARIANA'. He also showed me his phone (his mums) with all the songs on it which he was listening to. He started mumbling to 'grab somebody sexy tell em hey...give me everything tonight.. mhhmmhhmm yeah yeah'. Aww bless.
Such tiny bodies, with big ears and good memories.

He fought over holding my hand and got in trouble for it. He told me off when I dissappeared for half an hour with a 'Ariana. Where have you been? and where do you think your going?' I must say he looked like he was about to cry. I gave a GIANT hug and said' With you, to build a christchurch (apparently that's what towers are called these days). We played and destroyed and became best friends.

andmyheartlovesyetagain

So.

Where to start.

Here I guess.

Well on Tuesday I started practicum in a little preschool about 5 minute drive away. Flip. 25 children and I love them so much already.

I can honestly say my passion is children. Their innocence and honesty makes me want to hug them so tight and show them off to the world and say ' this is how we are meant to live'. With the courage to speak up when we want something, and the knowledge to know when we have done wrong. The honesty to say you are being mean and the freedom of not always 'having' to be nice to everyone.

One little boy (who i wrote about in my last blog) Ricky. He is adorable. I love him to pieces. We sat in silence and built towers. Another little boy Gideon came and played and asked 'big' people questions, we also sat and played and built tower he gave me hugs.

an Ethipoian gir (who speaks Pukapuka - the language that they speak here, it originates from the Cook Islands) has pretty much latched onto me. She flings herself on me when I am least expecting it and makes me realise, children are unpredictale. Who wants to be a normal, predictable person anyways?

Afilia is a little foster girl. Breaks my heart at the thought of somene wanting to give up this child, or any child in particular. Breaks and makes me angry. She is lovely and very straightforward.

One thing that made me smile was when I first came in today my other friend Henry came and gave me a hug and said, 'Where is your mum?' *At home* 'And your dad?' *At work* 'Oh, did they let you come here?' *Yes. I'm here to play with you* ...another hug.

I love love love this beyond words. My heart is for once not aching every second of my life. If this is my 3rd day  I can only imagine what its going to be like when I leave. Ah. But for now I will enjoy and love these kids and let them love me back :)

little eyes

your little eyes look deep into my own
innocence and honesty hit me profoundly
your looking so deep within me
you smile you hug you see
my heart pounds for you already
everything I am is in love with every piece of you
your little eyes
your little smile
your beautiful face

you never speak a word
you just see me, smile and run
reaching up your arms you don't realize,
how my heart loves you oh so much
I pick you up and you hug me tight
I kiss your head, cheek and hand
So much love in no words
but actions alone

what your little eyes have seen, I do not know
but with them you looked straight through me

little eyes are precious
they are unclouded with this world
truth and honesty pass over them
they see beauty in everything
with them they can conquer the world

your little eyes saw my heart
my heart will remember your litte eyes,

forever.

Love.

This family was the coolest ever. Their parents Mary and Emile, however you spell them were just so cool, as soon as we met them they just let us in their house play with their kids, take their kids places. They had such loving hearts and we would go over to see them everyday and sometimes just sit in their house for hour or so and just talk to them and play with the kids and just be a 'family' with them. I love them so much and so so so hope I get to see them soon. They made me feel at home and I am very happy to have met them and have them in my life. These are their kids (the oldest girl Alice who is 18 we didn't get a photo with her).

Methwi is 9 and he is the one on the right, Sammy is 7, Crishal is 4 and Georgia is 2. They are beautiful in everyway and I love them HEAPS.

P.s Crishal is the first little girl or child we met. She came over everymorning to say hi to us. The boys all missed school while we were there to play with their friends at the base. And Georgia is just Georgia the most adorable girl I have ever laid eyes on <3

Missage.

Today has been a whole day of missing.
Missing Vanuatu and all the children and friends that we made, miss them with my whole heart and would go back in a heartbeat even if I just saw them once.
I miss the life there, the way people trust, love and are just so friendly. It is literally hard to be friendly here, I do try though. I guess its just weird going to SUCH a friendly happy place realising we need so much more love in our lives. Which isn't a bad thing.

Im missing India, the sounds, colours, and feel of that place. It is in my heart and has sunk in deep. I will always love it and that I know. I miss my second family that lives there, and my bestest friend Daya. I miss miss miss her, and her home.

I miss Zoe, our random texts, inside jokes, adventures and how we pretty much think the same, I miss our cups of tea and seeing her all the time. I miss her like I would miss a sister.

I miss my best friends up north (who happen to be my cousins) I miss the mischief we used to (and still :P) get up to. I miss how we can blab on for hours about nothing. I miss how we laugh so hard we literally lose our voices. I miss how we used to all live on the same farm. I miss them.

I just miss alot of things.
But im not going to cry over it because that is a waste of time, I'm just going to ring them, text them, skype them, laugh smile and love.

Thinking

So while I was at work I was just casually having a conversation with my self (in my head) about whether I thought about the youth going to Vanuatu as a 'missions' trip.

First thing I thought was , we are free, missions is a religious way of thinking.
Second thing was, where does the line of 'religious' thinking stop?

Like what I mean is, before we know it we will probably be saying going to church is religious, from my point of view anyways. I thought it over, and my opinion is entirely my own and I'm just sharing thoughts and don't have anything against others peoples thoughts...but, technically we did go on a missions trips, we are missionary's.
Definition of Missionary: A person sent on a religious mission, esp. one sent to promote Christianity in a foreign country.

So pretty much we are missionary's. Our mission is to tell everyone about God and everywhere, it may sound cliche but thats it...in my opinion.

I get why people say it sounds religious, cause I still think it does, but I think it holds more truth about what we are made to do than saying something else...(mind block).

We're on a mission for God, for me that is in other countries, with children, with people, with different cultures, cause that makes me the modern Mother Teresa? I already have the photos to prove.


Another thing I was thinking about it how we title ourselves, or should I say how others title themselves. Like, I believe that a man living in the middle of nowhere has as much ability to start a revival as does a 'well-known' pastor. Obviously this random man would be on fire for God otherwise my point wouldn't make sense. Sometimes I think we just need to trust each other WAY more and going to Vanuatu made me see that aswell. The majority of the time we won't trust someone because we haven't heard anything about them, or we have heard something about them. If a random guy came up to you on the street and started prophecing you may freak, and think should I believe this, but then again I don't know the guy... whereas if some random guy in your church (who you don't really know) came up and prophecied over you, I would say you would most likely accept it, simply because he goes to the same church as you, therefore he is probably on the same page otherwise he wouldn't be here. I don't know if this is making sense or not?


Hmmm. It could just be me but I think trust is such a huge thing. From personal experience I've trusted someone so much (was probably more than just trust I would say..but thats a different story) and then pretty much had it thrown away, along with my heart. It sucks. It is not a nice thing to go through at all. It sucks even more when you gave trust away so easily.

But I have also experience trust that has been broken yet it was so easily repaired based on the fact that love was in it, and love is pretty much the answer to everything. We forgave we forgot we loved. Simple.


Eh. I dunno I'm so tired don't think this is really going anywhere. But this is what I was thinking of all night, and I may or may not have put the wrong vegetables in this guy's sub because I was thinking of this or having a conversation in my head with myself...weirdo.

That's all for now. Maybe I'll have more tomorrow, I have a 9 hour shift should come up with plenty.

Verses.

So while I was flicking through my bible I read these verses...

Psalm 2vs 8 - Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, the ends of the earth your possession.

Proverbs 31vs 8,9 - Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Habakkuk 1vs5 - Look at the nations and watch.... and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.

Yeah. These spoke to me.

Vanuatu

Well. This is probably going to be a long blog.
I don't even know where to begin.
You know you are not meant to be where you are in the long run when your heart is elsewhere, when you land and want nothing more than to turn around, when you don't even want to walk through the gate into 'New Zealand' when your own home, everything around you, everything you see and do makes you feel so empty like your missing your whole heart and soul in a different place.

The country of Vanuatu is like amazing and in a way to me it was heaven like, everyone would of felt different things but this is what I felt. First off there was like no time, time didn't matter - there is no time in heaven right. Then I literally felt NO fear of man, I mean that is crazy, where we live if we were to go out and pray for people the majority of us (or maybe its just me) would be doubting and scared and wondering what people may think of you...there its like there isn't a single trace of it.
The love of this country made me realise that we live in a very stingy culture, we live surrounded by walls of our comforts and 'friends', not really letting anyone in that doesn't like something we do or doesn't share an interest or so on.
First day there me and Rose walked around the village and walked into peoples houses and they just loved us straight away there was no fear no doubt just trust and love. The children came and played everyday with us, some of the parents were saying that the only reason their kids haven't been to school is because their friends are at the base.
Trust. One lady we met who I love to pieces was telling us half the time she doesn't even know where her kids are, like she knows they're in the village, but everyone is so trusting of everyone that they just let their kids roam around and play and just be themselves. Here you wouldn't take you eyes off you kid like that. We need that trust, instant trust.
This is kind of a jumbled up blog don't really know where I'm going with this.

There was a family that lived right next door to the base we were at, we would go see them everyday and just sit down and hang out with them and talk and talk and hug their children I really miss them heaps made me feel at home.
The staff at the base were so cool, like so cool, made the coolest friends ever! They have been telling me that its so quiet with us (most of us stayed up late as everynight) and missing us...which just makes me miss them more. But they were seriously cool guys and girls.
The children. Oh my goodness the children. They were everywhere. Haha, they were the most precious things every, so bold and confident and happy and loving and accepting. So many of them like grabbed my heart and ran away with it. They would come over everyday to see us and play cards or hand games or soccer etc and just hang out with us. They were beautiful and I bawled my eyes out when we drove past and they were all waving at us, I don't think they fully understood that we weren't coming back. Broke my heart.

We helped out at a few preschools, just helping the children with their work, or cleaning up around the place to make it look spic and span ready for teaching. We prayer walked and met some amazing people that I will continue to pray for. We went to a hospital to the children's area to pray for all of them there, these people are so accepting to just let strangers walk into a hospital and pray for their patients. We went to church - Vanuatuan style which was amazing, prayed for the children there. We went to a prison church service, couldn't tell the inmates and the 'other' people apart, now that's saying something right? We had bonding time within our own youth. We smiled, we laughed, we shouted, we got angry, we cried.

There is so much more I want to say but I can't get it out.
Love is the main thing that stood out for me, and it wasn't till I got back that Im actually realising we lack the right kind of love and trust and faith in God. These people have near to nothing yet they are happy and praising God. I have everything I need and more and I struggle to find time to thank God. They love love love everyone, and it makes me sad to realise I don't even know my neighbours names, I don't know half the people in church in what is meant to be 'family' I know their names but I don't know them. It brings me to tears that we keep so much in our own worlds that we don't see that we were made together in the same world to live together in unity to actually be with each other and love each other to worship the same God. We take forever to trust, we wouldn't just click with someone, we would get to know them and even then we may not fully trust the person. These people trusted us to take their children for walks to let them play with us in the very first week we met them. They trusted us instantly.
We went to this missions trip to bless people, to take what we have what we have learnt over the past thousand conferences to take it to them to take it to people who don't have 'this'. I think I can speak for us all when I say, we got a heckload more blessed than we blessed people. Just by loving us and showing their passion for God and also by making us family blessed me. How they live how they love how they trust.

Oh crap here come the tears.
Now don't get me wrong about NZ, I love my country to pieces its apart of me, its history and ancestors run through my blood. Im the most proud Kiwi you will probably ever meet. But when your heart isn't there, it isn't there and there is nothing you can do about it.

Vanuatu has something we all need, not the other way around. Just because we have a 'proper' church service or we have the 'kingdom' or we have what they need doesn't make us better. They have what we need and I know it. They have a key and we brought it back, its up to people whether they want to accept it or not.

another thing that really really really inspired me was everyones knowledge of the word, they were just like walking bibles literally that made me want to learn my bible inside out, to have such a knowledge that God's word would literally just sit in me.

Ah gosh. I will write more soon, so tired. So teary. So not enjoying this.

Travel.

So all packed, three bags...hope that's enough :P Managed to fit everything that is most important in there (majority of it being clothes).

This is the day. We will be leaving in like 20 minutes I think..yes and I am on the computer. Casual as.
I guess I've been so sick of serving moody travellers I've forgot all about me going and my own excitement, but now I can say I'm happy.

Happy to be jumping on a plane, happy to be flying, happy to be going to a whole new world, happy to go with friends. Happy Happy.

Im so looking forward to just fully throwing myself in another culture. Also Im looking forward to living off coconuts and fruit...highlight!
Plus its going to be like 25degrees!!! Wooh! It's getting freezing here (im taking that because its winter) but this winter hasn't even been THAT cold, it hasn't been a real get straight into thunder storms, rain for days normal NZ winter, I slept through the one and only thunder storm I 'heard' was going on, so I guess winter hasn't hit as hard this time.

But ohwell, warm weather here we come.
I'm leaving internet and phone connections here (oh gosh) will see how I cope haha!

Update when I get back.

‎'Look at the nations and watch and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told' Habakkuk 1vs5

another memory.

Last day, last time being in this other world, last breath of Indian air, last time to hug my friends in their new land.
I wasn't thinking straight, I couldn't tell where my heart was, it was beating way too fast for me to follow. It was telling me something, I couldn't hear.
Confused thoughts. Why do I feel so torn about going home, to my home.


Tears, hugs, goodbyes were said.
 I walked through another airport, with my life in 3 bags. All I had come accustomed to, all I had called my home, all I was familiar with and was living with would be left behind as I fly over the world once more.


I sat down, people talked to me, every word I spoke was jerking tears. They asked what I was doing here, and if I liked it. I managed to whisper 'I love your country'. They smiled and welcomed me into their hearts. I wrote and wrote and wrote as I waited, about missing and confusion and having two homes.
After an hour or two I was once again on a plane.


I bawled my eyes out in the middle of the aisle, in the middle of complete strangers, in the middle of the sky. I didn't want to leave, it was as simple as that.
My feet had claimed this land as my own, walked it with proudness and wonder and love. My eyes woke every morning to new beauty and unseen things. I loved how it functioned, I loved how it was different.


A best friend and family that I had left behind, wishing I could go back, bringing my family with me. I missed my sisters, brothers, parents and nana. All I had lived with had suddenly just become them. I need them so much, but my heart was pounding for a different land. I couldn't understand why or how, but I knew it was.


Sometimes we don't realise what it is our hearts, our souls, our very selves long for until its right there in front of us. Until we experience it ourselves. Or even until we no longer are there.

Landing in New Zealand feeling all confused and emotionally mixed up. I embraced my family with love. I had missed them more than anything. But somehow, somewhere along the lines of my travel my heart got left behind.

I will find it again, when we reunite on familiar soil.
My heart is not far from me.

Goodbye...yet again.

I hate goodbyes with a passion. They are pathetic, and tear jerking and stupid.
End of story.

Overwhelmed.

So it was indeed my birthday on Friday which I didn't want a huge thing but just went ice-skating with friends and that was SO cool! I love just hanging out will friends, especially if they can all be there and just enjoy themselves.
Was an eventful night. Didn't fall over once, realised a dress was probably inappropriate for skating on ice, a friend got arrested for jaywalking (bahahahahahahhaha) drove up to wellsford and arrived at 1am.
Stayed at my cousins house up north which I had so much fun even if it was just for one day was great to see them and be like at home(ish).

Then. Church. Hmmm. How to start.

At church sunday night there was this lady speaking and I was feeling sick (I have tonsillitis ;[ bleh) and couldn't be bothered being 'holy' and 'churchy' and yeah point made. But eventually I got hit and could NOT stop laughing, which was riduckyoulus. Then she prayed for musicians of the church, went up and my fingers went totally nuts, like felt like it was pins and needles, electriciy and something trying to push its way out of my fingers all at the same time. Fell over. Got picked up. Fell over again.
Was totally out of it. I could hear people around me, but I was in my own world.

I saw a piano, a waterfall and a wall of different colours, also paths and tracks and different people.
Then Jesus said to me 'I will take you to the nations, and you will play with me not for me' totally bawled my eyes out (into the mic aswell...shame). Then was out of it again, I remember someone saying it was 10ish'o'clock and then next thing I know someone says it was quarter to 12! crazy right. I could still hear everything around me but it did not feel like it was 2hours.
My whole body was numb and I was just in peace and love. Walking with God.

Most amazing thing of my life. Ever!

?

So what I think went wrong was that I had changed my URL name for my blog, so I think it didn't direct people to my new one. So it looked like I had deleted.
So i changed it back. haha. so much for change.

So i hope this is working?

Things that make the heart smile.

Today I saw my very special friend, who has a special place in my heart.
I saw her beautiful ring, and we saw beautiful dresses.
We had tea, and scrambled eggs, we got lost and prayed for sun.
I saved her from getting hit by a car.
Jumped on a bus without knowing where it went,
we sat down for more tea and carrot cake.
Talked of all things that made my heart smile.
She is beautiful in everyway and I am happy to be her friend.
A friendship where in silence you smile at memories,
laugh at random things, or inside jokes,
smile and enjoy each others weird tastes, likes and dreams.
We think alike, we talk alike, we like alike. We SHOULD be sisters.
We like many a same thing, shops, clothes, houses, ideas.
You will live with me, I will live with you, all will be ok.
Today was a day filled with perfection and greatness.   

Today was a good day. I am happy because of it.
Zoe you are too beautiful. I love you.        

What? Why? How?

What the hell?
Why isn't my blog working?
How is this possible?
 

Little boy.

today a little baby boy reached out to me, clung onto me with every bit of muscle he could forge, hugged me and fell asleep on me.
this little boy needed a whole heck of love, i could tell just by looking at him, and why he was there.
he made me realise what my dream is, what i love to do, what i would love to do.
he clung to me so hard he was squeezing tears out of me, and love out of me.
i love this little boy with every part of me, and i have only just meet his little 1-2/year old self.

blur

Days are going too quickly, merging into each other too fast, becoming nothing but blurs in my memories of yesterday.

Leaving nothing of yesterday to dwell on today or to remember for tomorrow.

I see change all around me, in every ones own worlds.

I feel it in my own world, my own dreams my own hope.

This blur of my life is going to become clear, once I figure out how to put it into focus.

Faraway.

my heart has left me, left me for a faraway place that crawls into my dreams at night
into my thoughts through the day, into every word I speak
every recalled memory,
my heart is calling me, pulling me with every turn it takes
tugging gently, whispering words of hope and love
whispers turning into shouts of frustration
hurry here, to this faraway place

sleep here, on this ground that has never been slept on
dream here, in this star filled sky, in front of this moon that screams beauty and imagination

i opened my eyes to this unseen beauty, that only you had seen before
i spoke this beauty to every person i meet when my heart caught up and landed home
everyone looked away, i was acknowledged and ignored all at once
don't you see beauty is not just materialistic
there is beauty in a smile of a hungry child
there is beauty in the eyes of women who can't walk
in men that can't see
its called hope
they are alive and hoping for someone to see their beauty and to love on them

my heart has left me for this faraway place that calls me
it makes my heart pound furiously with every thought, every recalled memory of this place I called home
tears fill my eyes everytime i think of every other world that is undiscovered to my narrow eyes
unfilled ears,
undiscovered worlds calling me to stand on them to soak them in to hope in them aswell

faraway my heart ran, before to long i may not be able to catch up and will end up eating the dust
come home, your feet are standing still why aren't you moving?
come home, your eyes are wandering, look to the light not the world
come home, your ears are being filled with words not worthy of being spoken
come home, your heart is running away, come home

i will reach this faraway place, where ever my heart leads me i will go.

Recalled memories.

So I have gone through my diaries of when I was in India, sat for ages dwelling on memories. I would like to share with you all my first memory.

I hopped off the plane anxious, lost and not sure where I was being led or how on earth I crossed the world amidst hundreds of people all around me yet by myself at the same time. I didn't understand what part of me had thrown me this far out of my comfort zone...for fun? What was I thinking. I didn't understand what was being said around me or even to me, my first longing to go home where everything I see is familiar and understandable. They spoke in English, but i was confused. This wasn't my language covered with my accent. Unsure I asked pardon me more than a hundred times, when I finally understood this poor man getting frustrated with my white foreigner new zealandified self I heard him say "What is the purpose of your visit"? I froze, what am i doing here? why did I come? I managed to whisper out with a shaking voice 'Im here to stay with friends'. I then laughed to myself as I realized, thats what he said! Felt ashamed I couldn't even understand that! haha.
I think about that question now.. profound much? What was my purpose there? Why did I travel for 16 hours by myself, leave everything I was comfortable with to come live in a country I knew hardly anything about to live for 84 whole days!
I'll get back to you on this.
Then following a lady in red who knew where I was going before I had even landed led me to collect my bag. It was huge and I am not. I thought to myself as I re adjusted my two bags I was already carrying, how on eath am I going to do this? I spotted my green burden of 25kgs of stuff that I 'needed' to live with. I could live with this amount of stuff, everything I had at home immediately became useless and just stuff. Tied to my bag were two giant orange strings...so it didn't get mixed up.
I picked it up(with a struggle) and pretty much pushed heaps of people out of the way with my nonesene and carry on. Adjusted bags. Ready.
I immediatly got asked if I needed help with my bags, I remember feeling almost insulted.. thinking 'do you not think I can carry all this stuff?' realised this was my stubborn independant little self afraid to be seen as weak. I accepted help and my 25kg burden left. I was tired and grump and was glad someone would drag my 'stuff' around for me. I already had myself to function and 2 bags.

Now the excitement hit me. Look for blonde hair and blue eyes were the only thoughts running through my head. This won't be hard. It's India right. Through glass doors I see bright smiles and giggles and squeals. All that was between me and this new world, my friends since I was in nappies were glass doors. That's it! Just those doors.
I was as happy as you could ever imagine. I was with my purpose of friends, in this purpose of mine's land. This was it.
Hugs were not short not one smile spared. Another set of doors down, my feet touched new soil, breathed unfamiliar air. This is my purpose to do this. My whole life changed from this moment on forever.

:)

I want to destroy these roots of injustice, kill this seed of poverty. To where all we see is hope, all we have is faith and all we need is love.

Recent happenings.

1) Saw this Indian (how do I know he was Indian? 1) I saw his face. 2) He had a picture of an Indian man on his car) drive STRAIGHT over a round about. WHAT IS THAT! seriously. Laughed for ages though.

2) Ate subway (not at my subway) and think I got food poisoning from the chicken not being hot enough.

3) Youth band played my song! OMG! It was amazing. I love them to pieces.

4) I got soaked today in the rain. Was interesting.

5) Went second hand shopping. Brought 5 items of clothing for $20! Chuuuurr

6) Decided Dan Carter/ Richard Kahui/ Sonny Bill/ Jimmy Cowan/ Cory Jane are the only reasons I watch rugby. Oh and to see the whole all blacks team whip any and everyone else.

7) Don't eat subway from south auckland (apart from the airport) seriously. You'll die.

8) Eh.

Hate?

We are meant to love everyong right, everyone. But I honestly find it hard to follow this thing of unconditional love when I read about heartless people killing innocent children. It makes me cry. It makes me angry. It makes me hate. 

THIS makes me hate.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/world/americas/5036545/Mum-gets-life-in-babys-microwave-death

How can someone..a mother.. take away her own child's life. I don't get it. People are so stupid. SO stupid. I want to punch her.. seriously I do, I know this sounds harsh but come on people seriously, I hate child abuse and child injustice with a passion and I want to bring it down. I want to save all these children's lives that have been brutally and heartlessly taken away. I want to show the world that hitting a child and killing them because they wet their bed or because they 'misbehaved' isn't right, and no matter what you do you will have to live with the consequences forever. 

Every child needs someone. Someone who loves, cares and hopes for them when they have nothing else to cling to. 

This is something everyone knows about but is too afraid to step out and help because of their reputation, or what might happen to them, or because they could get hurt (physically and emotionally). 

Ah. 

Awake.

How long do we stay awake, wishing on stars and thinking of the future,

we see long bumpy paths in front of our view and we close our eyes go back to sleep,

for when we sleep we are oblivious to our surroundings, making our dreams our reality,

and our reality our dreams,

but what happens when you open your eyes and what you see is better than what you dream?

you awaken to life to your passions and hopes

see a million eyes staring you on

feel a thousand warms words fall softly in your ears

and touch a hundred hearts 

cry a trillion tears

awake my child do not be afraid to dream with eyes open

don't sleep through your life

don't wish away this path

your dreams and your passions mean everything to me

stand up for what you believe

awaken your dreams to awaken others

my child awake my daughter awake

there is more in this world than the one you are living in

World ended?

Matthew 24:36 ' No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. (vs42) - 'Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. (vs44) - 'So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.

This whole shabam on the world ending got a alot of people thinking. They didn't know if to believe or not. I admit as much as I believed that the world wasn't going to end I can honestly say I woke up disappointed. Not because I didn't die, because I didn't get to go to heaven. ahhh. WHAT IS THIS!

I like the verse where it says So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.


Half the world was expecting him so he didn't come, but the other half wasn't, and he didn't come?

As much as all of this hurts my brain at this time of night I know that God isn't finished with us yet. Simple as that. And quite frankly he doesn't have to explain anything, nothing about when the world will end, why it didn't, whats going to happen next.. you know why? Because he is God. Simple. Questions answered.

Seventeen.

So..in just over a month my birthday shall arrive. It has just hit me in the face that I have been alive and breathing for nearly seventeen whole entire years. Yet I say to myself so often, when will my life start? There is no certain age to begin living, you begin when your born. You don't have to be a certain age to go out into the world and change lives. You changed more lives than you will know just by being born. That first breath that was taken was not a mistake and never will be. It had more purpose and destiny than could be imagined.

Don't wait till your an 'adult' to go out and live.. live now. Change lives by smiling, asking a simple how are you. Even laying a hand on someone would have an impact on then and they wouldn't know, God asked us to lay hands, we should do it I think, tis the least we can do right?

Enough diddle daddle. Get with it. Get up. Get moving. Let's make this life worthwhile, not just for us, but for everyone who is around us.

Living for ourselves isn't apart of this plan. God made this for ALL of us. He didn't leave anyone out. Not even the children or teenagers.

We were made to change history. We will change history by starting young. So lets do this thing?!

Who knows what will be happening in another seventeen years from now.

Note to self.

Notes made to myself today.

1) Do NOT drink a giant lift plus and a Big V all in one day and pretty much drink them each in one sitting. You will feel sick and want to throw up and get a headache and also not be able to get to sleep. Especially when you have to get up at 6 every morning. Bad idea.
2) Don't drink a whole bottle of water before getting on a bus, I can guarantee your bladder will pretty much explode. The only toilets being public toilets in not so nice places... and then having to get on another bus then walking home very fast because you might pee your pants.
3) Don't walk on grass when its just been raining.. it will be muddy and gross and your new shoes will get dirty.
4) Don't try to kill a prayer mantis when your hands are full, it will fall on you and try to eat you which will cause you to drop all the groceries and scream.
5) Don't text and walk. 99% of the time you will walk into something or someone.
6) Get some muscles. Small dogs aren't meant to be pulling you.
7) Get a tan. Being white in winter is like being a vampire in Australia.
8) Don't wear black in the sun. It will make you very very hot and also make you look whiter.
9) Want to look tan, wear white. Just don't eat a pie with tomato sauce.
10) If you draw on your hands with felt tip its extremely hard to get off.

Note to self, remember these and your life will be 'that' much easier :)

Injustice.

Injustice in this generation.

Why is injustice here? Amidst our children, living in between us? It tears families apart, breaks hearts, destroys dreams, and for an unbearable reason takes lives.

I have read too many stories on child abuse. Every time they are brought up, spoken around, their words are left hanging in the air. You can’t possibly listen without tears or your heart racing for the possibility to bring justice to this destruction.

Twin boys ignored and uncared for, broken till they died. They were babies, they had just begun their lives. No sooner had they started they were discarded and beaten till their very last breaths could draw no more air. An unsolved problem, a guilty heart pounding somewhere, in someones chest. If this someone could come and own up this injustice could have a chance of being set aside. But never forgotten.

A little girl, who hadn’t started school was disgustingly tortured by what she thought and knew as family, the very people who were suppose to protect her, love and care were the very people who threw her away. They hung her on a washing line, she was treated like dirt. She was put in a dryer, forgotten and hurt. No coward who hurts for laughs deserves life. Yet love can’t exist if we don’t love them first.
Some were sent to jail some just sent away. But they weren’t thrown about, discarded or dismayed. Let off with a warning some fines and jail time. But nothing can take away the injustice of this precious girls life.

In our own country we see children growing up learning about sex and drugs. Ways too use them to bring in a good pay. They follow by example, look up to those around them. Hearts filled with lies, pain and deceit.
Why is this generation brought up this way?

So much talent is wasted through every life taken. Every hand hit against an innocent face. A baseball bat swung, a kick in the face. Children who lived never knew what life was. As soon as they opened their own eyes to see all around, they were hit like a ball and told to shut up. Told to be quiet, to sit still and listen. Told they will never become anything. Their dreams thrown to the ground.

All around the world this injustice continues. Children are snatched up off the side of the road where they learned to kick a ball, and play with their friends smiling all with great grins. Taken away to a dark place, blinded by evil men, limbs cut, blood taken, lives broken. They are tortured to get attention, humiliated to make money. Where is justice for these children when the evil and good men are accepting bribes amongst themselves to make sure they don't get hurt?

Does a life not matter to you if its a child's?
How can you throw hate in someones face who hasn’t even learnt to speak?
How can you look love in the face and despise them so much that is leads to a murder?

Why is this injustice killing children?
It need to stop. Before too many precious lives are lost.

I feel like..

You know that feeling when everything just feels weird and your SO not content but you don't want to show it, and how you really really want something so bad but you have to actually wait for it... and it just confused everything you've said or felt or written about?!

Yup. Feel like that.

On a positive note. We are getting a dog :)

Too much happening.

So it has been a while since a real post, a post that really tells what I have been doing not just a whole bunch of jumbled words and senetences that jump at me in the night.

Holidays have now come to an end, which for the first time I am happy for. They have just dragged on and on till the point where I couldn't wait to see the end of the tunnel. I not only found a job in the holidays I found a cold, a few BAD headaches, some great inspiration and heaps of sleep.
My job as a sandwhich artist (bahaha, I know right? Subway) is so so cool. I really love it. I am also 100percent sure that if it wasn't in the airport it would be boring. No one likes talking to english people all day long right?

I have also never been asked so many times in my life if I was from the Middle East, India or Spain. One guy even asked me in spanish if I was spanish..(my five hundred years of learning spanish and it came in handy.. but then again i think everyone knows what Espanol means right?)

I served some rugby players.. NZ vodafone warriors and vodafone warrior 'juniors' ;) you should of seen the smile on my face. I think being a kiwi you have an instant proudness for rugby?! or maybe it is just me. But i LOVE my rugby im a huge fan and that made my whole life great!

My favourite worship/singer guy Jake Hamilton spoke and lead worship at church... which was so amazing. He is such a cool guy. Love him.

I read no books. There goes my plan to stay in bed all day and read during the holidays. I watched way too many movies. Ate not enough food. Coloured my hair. Went to the doctors..he said I was pale-skinned (not impressed).

Alot has been happening and I could ramble on for ages about different things and this and that, but I won't.

Im so content at the moment, so happy to be where I am, learning what Im learning and seeing things and really looking into things and people and just loving them. I love where I am. I look forward to where I will go. I am a content happy child.

Ah.

Your not welcome here

Your not welcome here
with evil eyes you glance at me from afar
too scared to stare me in the eye
to see that you have been blinded by lies
you poke my heart looking to destroy dreams
but your simple words will fall at my feet
for the greatest power lives in me
your whispering jokes, insults and lies
are shoved off with a laugh
and pushed back into the dark
your not welcome here

your a shining star

we are blinding ourselves
letting our light overflow in already shining places
the lost are getting confused
walking in darkness
everyone around too scared to be themselves
light up the path in the dark
your a shining star
leading to the only way, truth and life

WOW.

Okay . At first I thought it was just a coincidence.. but now I know for sure it was God (it could have been me but it was most likely God right?)

Jason Hooper weekend, all I had was 15dollars (an offering is a sacrifice you make because you are desperate to be closer with God and give all you have to see Him sown into you - doesn't matter how much or how little) anyways.. this was all I had and the message had really touched me so I felt to give it all.
That being said, next part.
I have been praying for a job heaps recently especially since I am saving to go to Vanuatu and maybe overseas at the end of the year. ALSO someone blessed me with $150 (yes I am smiling too) for my trip to vanuatu. FLIP!

2 weeks after the conference I got a call from a job I applied for and scheduled an interview which would be on the 15th day after the conference... 15th! The interview was on the 5th (the number five shows up alot with this story.) at 4.45 (15minutes to 5?! coincidence.. i think not).

Okay.... then just today ... 5 days after my interview at 3.15 (holy crap...!!) i have a second interview/training thing set up.

Now this may all seem totally ridiculous to you all, and i did contemplate and was hesitant to write this.. but man... God doesn't just do this for no reason right??! Well who knows actually :)

So then I looked up what the number 5 means, biblically.. and it means GRACE! How flippin cool is that man! (my middle name is grace too? coincidence.. once again i think not).

So yes. I am excited. And no I haven't got the job YET. But I thought this was so cool, I had to share it :)

Longing.

No one can understand me like you.
No one listens like you.
You wrap me in your arms and never let go.
You protect me from enemies that try to sneak to me.
They whisper in my ears telling me lies.
They tempt me with the world and the little things it has to offer.
Concentration is broken.
Determination is failing.
Longing is fading.

My feet stand firm on the rock of your name.
You hold me down and say you'll bear my shame.
Nothing comes between us when I open up my heart.
I speak to you, and hope you hear.
I have put all my hearts desires on a table in the clear.
The past is just the past.
The present is in our hands.
Our future planned and mapped out.
I long to hear you in my ears.
I long to see you in my dreams.
I long to have you speak to me.
I long to have you near me.
I long to have your touch linger.
I long to have hope.
I long to have grace.
I long to have love.

I long to go to the nations.
I long to speak love to the lost.
I long to call all my own.
I long to be one with you.
I long to help those who can't help themselves.
I long to clothe many children.
I long to love like you have loved me.
I long to see revival come.
I long to see dead people raised.
I long to see millions saved.

I long to see you come.
Please come now.
The time is near.
Come down.
Cities need you.
Nations need you.
I need you.

People will fall on their knees.
Children will sing and dance.
The old will see.
The young will proclaim.
Every eye see.
Every ear hear.
Every tongue confess.

They will see.
They will hear.
They will say.
They will confess.

The world longs for you, even if they don't know it yet. Their hearts, their lives are missing something that will complete them. The time is coming when you will show yourselves to people and their longing will be made clear.

Dreaming.

Dreams overtake me when i'm unaware
most vulnerable to my hearts wishes
nothing I can do can change their ways
they slip and slide around  my head
jump in front of my eyes
swirl around my heart
I worry before I go to sleep
will this dream be for me?
can I make it come true

the dreams that come are bold
lights, colors, smells and people
countries that I love
all come to stay the night
filling me with great delight
they leave me when the real world pinches
and make me feel homesick inside

ideas have come and pinned themselves down
names have shown themselves into my head
I can't stop thinking about my dreams
they become more of a reality then you will ever think
no matter how hard I try to remain quiet
my heart is beginning to pound to loudly to be silenced

I am who I am
I dream what I wish
no matter who says
I will do this

I will take my dream and make it come true
for no one will stop me
not even you.

Life.

Somedays I wish I could just jump up into the wind with my eyes closed and fly away to my hearts calling and open up.. and BAM there I am.
*sigh*
Patience is annoying
but with it comes reward
heart pulled to its home
beauty seen in front of my eyes
music made by voices unheard by the world
smiles shining through children regardless of all pain
life is a journey in itself
filled with mini adventures all bundled up within it
patience
reward
desires
passions
love
beauty
music
smiles
Hope.

Friends

friends that you can share hours upon hours of laughter
tears upon tears,
minutes of silent understanding,
heartbreaks,
smiles that reach the moon,
hugs that last a lifetime,
jokes that never grow old,
friends that accept you no matter what,
are friends from God,
are friends to be treasured,
are friends in my heart,
forever and ever and ever.

 

Fire

fire has fallen and set alight my heart
darkness has faded away to nothingness
the desires in me are no longer dormant
but they come alive with one thought
my dreams are filled with you
at every corner, every step, every door,
from this day on I won't turn back
the fire thats burning is pushing me forwards
forwards to you and to all I want to do
smiles are here to stay
laughs echo around
my heart is happy, joy has come
my love for the nations is stronger than ever
my hope for people brighter
trust is like a rock
faith is like a mountain
with your fire alone
we will do great things

Words

words spoken underneath covers
float around violently
never meant to be heard
are being shouted at every turn
hearts that were never meant to break
are shattering into millions of pieces
all I can see are smiles
covering up every bad thought
lies hit me like a hard cold brick wall
I can see through everything
you are trying to hide
I will give you a chance to speak the truth
think carefully
words can change everything
words can break hearts
words can cause pain beyond imagination
words are powerful
words are violent
choose your words wisely
words.

What am I doing?

What am I doing? I have absolutely no idea. I really really don't. My mind changes its mind every 5 seconds. It's a good thing my heart knows what it wants, even if I don't. I can feel it in me telling me something, something that I have yet to translate.

Dreams Dreams Dreams won't leave me alone. 

All I can think about it is dreaming dreaming dreaming.

I want to do so much, its crazy. I want to do so much and I know I have plenty of time to do it all (maybe? 2012?) but it feels like its all going nowhere. Like I am getting left behind. I don't want to miss my wind of change, or my the current pulling me towards my hearts desires. I want to go go go go now. ahhh. Patience was never my strong point.

eeeeeeeeeeeep.

I want You.

where i go no one knows
prayer by prayer flows through me
uncertain endings creeping along
unsure paths making themselves known
what i want no one knows
whispers that come under my breath
wishes that escape my lips
my hearts desires are all i see
a million things that i dream
i throw my hope up in the air
waiting for it to catch a drift
to pull me along to my destiny
faith is thrown amidst all pain
no matter how hard
i will stay secure in your name
my trust is being pulled on
but i wont let go
for you are all i want
forever and ever

Where to where to?

Where to where to? Where should I turn? I feel all confident to take a certain turn. But will whispers sneak into my ear and lead me down the other road? Should I follow my heart and God. Should I listen to these whispers and succumb to their continuing word.

All week I have felt like a little lost child looking for my mother.
Only that, I'm not looking for my mum. I'm looking for something my heart is crying out for.
I'll let you know when I find what I'm looking for. Which road I start to go down.

Thoughts.

My heart is still entangled with the thoughts and memories of you.
I look outside and try to see my world through your view.
If we see the same sky, sun, moon and stars.
Why does it feel so distance, as if on another planet?
I want to see your colours, all vivid and bright.
So unique and beautiful, like none I've ever seen.
No smell is quite the same. No sight to blow me away.
I want to be with you. Walking hand in hand.
Come sweep me away and take me to your kingdom.


I am waiting.

Tea.

So..... I like tea. Quite alot.
Today I was reading my book on the bus, and there was this guy who was talking about tea, it said: Tea was his only addiction, an answer to everything, to every headache, every thought, every confusion, every scolding:

It got me thinking. Why is tea so addictive? I mean seriously. I have lots of tea. When I'm bored, happy, sad, annoyed, before I go out, when I get back, when thirst kicks in. I could think of many more examples.
And anyways I used the wonderful use of Google and found these cool 'tea' quotes.

If you are cold, tea will warm you.  If you are too heated, it will cool you.  If you are depressed, it will cheer you.  If you are excited, it will calm you.  ~Gladstone, 1865


Tea is liquid wisdom.  ~Anonymous


Tea is a wonderful thing. Especially when with a friend. 


So my answer to my question is simple, it tastes good! It feels good, it makes you want to curl up and read a book, sit outside in the sun sipping away, it takes all the yucky sad stuff and makes you feel warm and happy inside. It gives me a clear head, able to think about everything right. Tea is the answer to everything. Seriously. 

Goodbyes.

Goodbyes were said once again.
My heart is sore once more.
The tears that come are not stopping.
Hugs that weren't suppose to end.
Smiles that should of stayed a while.
Hands that shouldn't let go.
Why do we say goodbye?

Once again the family that means so so so so so much to me, and have a extra special place in my heart left to head back to India. They say it gets easier. I can tell you right now (due to experience) that it most certainly does not.

Airports give me mixed emotions. Whether I am going or friends. I just get all mixed up in excitement, fear, sadness, nervousness, absolute happiness and confidence. But not this time. This time was just downright sadness. Borderline waterfall tears really. I could ramble all day about how I did not want them to leave, or how in a split second I would jump on a plane after them. I know that their heart is in India, you cannot go there and not have you heart completely smitten with India. I know God wants them there... what more can you say. I am happy for them beyond words and can't wait to visit them again soon :)

Coincidence?

Today I went to my course for an induction, sat next to an Indian girl (her name was to hard to remember, I'll work on it). Then sat next to two Indian girls, had one of their mothers talk to me out of the blue.

At the library I went to get my Indian book (Shantaram) and was served by an Indian lady.

Went to go buy some thread today, the store owner was Indian.

Walked through a post office and saw/heard two Indian ladies speaking in their language (Hindi maybe? I don't know).

This may seem like I'm being paranoid, who knows maybe I just 'happened' to turn my head and see them, I just 'happened' to go into that store... but honestly.. a coincidence? I think not (I hope not)

Who knows maybe I just have an obsessive crush on India?

ahhhhh.

Vanuatu is next on the list for me. I can’t believe how crazily contagious with this travel bug I am. It is weird. I just want to get up and go everywhere, see everything there is too be seen. Hear every different language, look at every different person and smile.

I want to live among the bright and radiant faces of a different country, culture, and way of life. To not always know whats coming around the next corner. Not always know whats for dinner or how its going to get there. Who’s coming over, where will we sleep. To depend fully and whole heartedly on God. To be so in love with Him and close that you would literally be invincible. Your faith tested. Love and generosity tested. Who you are as a person would be tested. To have your heart captured over and over again by different countries and beautiful people. When all you can give people is love, when all you can receive in thanks is love. Love. Hope. Joy . Peace. Faith. I want it.

I want I want I want. Enough wanting. More giving.

It's been a while.

It has definitely been a while since I last blogged. Why is that? I don't know. I guess I kind of just forgot about it. Forgot because I was having too much fun? Or forgot because I had nothing to write about? hmmm. The latter being the untruthful.


I arrived home just under  a month ago. It is good to be home, but it feels as if part of me has been ripped out and left behind. Gruesome, but that's how I feel.

India. There is too much to say that I don't even know where to begin. India has changed my life, changed the way I think, changed the way I talk, changed the way I live. India has a way of getting into your soul and into your life. It has a way of clinging on so tightly and never letting go.
I love how India functions. When all the cars are going in four different directions all at once. When someone tells you to meet at a certain time and place and when you arrive only then do you realise the time and place has been changed or your entire date cancelled. I love having to buy fruit and veges at a stall or on the corner of the sidewalk.

India is a truly beautiful place. The country and the people.


The poverty did hit me. It hit me hard. I could feel my heart crying when I saw how some of the people lived. It was their way of life. The most some of them had was just a small tent-like room. It made me think... what did I have? I had so much, my room alone was the size of maybe 4 of these tent-like places people called home.

I want to go back to India so badly. It's become part of me. I miss it. I dream of it. I wake up expecting to find it. I want to eat their food, wear their clothes, speak their language. I want to hug India and never let it go. I want to read India as notes so I can play it on a piano. I want India.

I am where I am at the moment though, which is none other than beautiful New Zealand. I am thankful (soooo thankful) that I could go. So thankful of the many other places I want to and will go to.


Until we meet again India, you have captured my heart please don't let it go now.